Never Wait (C) 2010

I wait for your call, in the middle of the night
to hear you say the words, "Everythings alright"
you tell me to be strong, things are pulling through
the wait will not be long, I could never fail you

What would I do, to hold the hands of love
She reminds me of you, and the empty promises we're made of
Who's to say, this time will be much different
Who's to stay, in the middle of indifference
Never wait.

Reading through the words, finally relating
I see myself in you, and all the pain your chasing.
Friends tell me to let go, I'm too easily attached
I wait around too long, in a love that goes unmatched

Never wait, never let yourself be crushed beneath the dreams
Never wait, just let it come to you when you expect it least
I can't believe I've waited up so late
to hear you say, never wait

You Are

You are, to me, words that don't exist
You are, to me, nothing less
I am, with you, all that I can be
I am, with you, at my best

If I Could

If I could, I would stretch my arms across the ocean and reach out and touch your face
If I could, I would seek out every ache in your heart and find how to take them away
If I could, I would make time skip a thousand days, so you know I'll still be by your side
If I could, I would do all the things that make your heart and soul come alive.

I cannot do any of these things, my dear. Those powers are not within me.
Only time can test us and see where truth lies, and what's meant to be destiny.
Time is a journey we'll travel together, a voyage for two on this sea.
God limits our powers so we may cherish these moments, and to prove what we have's meant to be.

Bones

*originally written as a song, I felt it found a better home as a poem*

How do I do the things I do?
Wish I could learn to think things through.
I get my eyes focused on you.
Then I can’t think straight.

You strip the pride right from my skin.
Inch to the inch ‘til bone gives in.
Then the curiosity within.
Begs you to go deeper.

Hate you when I become this thing.
A monster greedy from the sting.
Love you when I should start to leave.
and work my way in closer.

Burn pages from this book we claim.
And when the ashes start to rain.
Our words will always seize the day.
No one can ever take them

The Warming Steel Heart

Am I only feeling what I want to feel,
or is this feeling real?
What power must a woman hold,
to melt this heart of steel?

The very man I thought I was,
has shed his so-called perfect skin
only to reveal, beneath the steel
that the real man was within.
Am I only feeling what I want to feel?
No I cannot speak it’s case.
Only true love can remove that shell
So it may nest it’s place.

So, come now love and make your home
I gladly welcome thee
I’ll gladly shed this skin of steel
And let the love fold me underneath

Silent and Pensive

I walk, lightly through the rainy streets, carefully stepping around each puddle, allowing rain to fall on me from above. I hold no umbrella in hand. It would almost feel inappropriate to put one to use right now. After all, it’s the nicest thing I’ve felt today. As I walk, I puff gingerly on my clove and enjoy the sounds of Regina Spektor coursing through my ear, into my head, and, through my blood stream. The night is so euphoric. And how strange a feeling it is, to know that you could die this very instant and be perfectly content. It almost makes you want to. But no one is lucky enough to choose the music to which they exit.

I love the way I look in this. So strange… I almost look like an artist. My phone vibrates, but I ignore it. It’s only a text, and besides, this night is not about anyone but me, and my imagination of course. My heart dances in the moment, but my feet do not, because they have spent the day searching for this feeling. All the tension and stress of the days before have finally passed, but my feet are sore.

I sit, but my eyes search for something new, as I watch the people pass by. Hand in hand the elderly ones walk, arm in arm do the young. It seems everyone has someone. I have my cigarette. This love will get me through the night. I’ll remain content.

Then she comes. Alone. Pensive in her thoughts, deliberate in her walk, and with curiosity in her eyes. How interested I become, to see someone who may be sharing in my euphoria. As if we were sharing a moment, together but alone. She counts each step, and in each one of her steps, I read a new thirst for thought. She is bold, but not nearly as hard to read as she’d like. She steps in a rhythm, but she does not dance.

Instead, it is I who dances, if only at heart. I feel so strongly the multitude of possibilities and the things we could share. I pretend she is my future love. The one I will spend the rest of my life with. And then I wonder if she sees me, sitting coyly. And if she does catch a second of me staring, does she even care? Is she too searching for love? Or is it something else she seeks? Something even more profound than love itself?

The rain does not give me the answers I seek. Instead, each drop becomes more deafening than the last and my thoughts become more disorganized. My heart dances again, but my feet continue to remain tranquil. I can barely remain reserved as they tap in the small puddle, but I dare not share my thoughts. I am only a stranger, and someone so stable and reserved does not need me to tilt the balance. Torn, I desire something new to confront the chaos. If only I could run up to her. I would say nothing and do nothing, except extend my invitation for her to dance with me. Then, this rain, this street, and this night, under the watchful eyes gazing down upon us from a celestial home, would welcome us both, unified. Our euphoria would take its next step, becoming something even more.

I watch the rain put out my cigarette and in a way it almost concludes my evening. I watch as she shivers in the night. The cold rain has nearly soaked through her clothes. The umbrella she carries is no competition for the wind she has faced. I have no jacket to offer her, so I only sit, moving on to the next cigarette and watch as you fade from the picture, and the next couple walks begins to approach. I pretend I never saw you, but in reality, I’ve never looked away.

an excerpt from "One Headlight"

here is a small teaser from a book I am working on entitled, "One Headlight." I am always looking for feedback and criticism as this is rough and unedited.

The road ahead was lined with shadows, like decorative tinsel upon a holiday tree. The only light that lit the path ahead protruded dimly from the single working headlight of an outdated and overpriced hand-me-down 94' Geo Metro. It's owner, a young man in his early 20's of average height and a slightly athletic build, was rushing to a destination he was still not convinced even existed. This uncertainty was additionally fueled by the time of day at which he was traveling.

"3am," he thought, "Who ever travels at 3am?"

He looked to the only functioning headlight on his car, the only functioning headlight on a street which, by day, served as the main road of travel in the small city of 32,000 people. As he did, he was reminded once again of the answer to his rhetorical question.

No one.

After daylight, no one would dare to travel this road, which, despite it's proximity to so many prominent local spots, was poorly maintained and was bordered by the White River. The White River, had served served as a death trap to many who chose to travel under these same conditions thanks, in part, to its flimsy, dented and rusty guardrail that served as the only barrier between the road and it's wild waters. An accident this late would mean certain injury, if not death. The young man concentrated, refusing to let his mind wander as he meticulously navigated the many twists and turns that shaped the road. He could not afford to be distracted.

As he rounded the final corner on White Water Road, he made a left turn onto Natalie's street, and allowed his mind to return to pondering on his current situation.

Just twenty minutes ago he had lie prostrate in bed, when he was awoke by the loud and obnoxious ring tone echoing off of his phone which had been intentionally set to be loud and obnoxious for such an occasion. Natalie's voice on the other end had sounded anxious and urgent as she urged Aaron to hurry to see her. She would not say what it was she needed though, as if she were paranoid that someone may have been listening on the other end.

He knew though.

Aaron knew exactly what was going on. Natalie's conditioning was worsening. She was breaking. All the medical books Aaron had been studying had said that her condition was irreversible, but his stubbornness which he had attributed to his mothers side of the family, left him skeptical. He simply would not accept it. He was so confident that he could help her get well on his own, unable to take her to a professional facility due to the nature of her condition.

"I have to accept that I am losing her," he tried to reason with himself, "and it's no one's fault but mine."

As he finally pulled into her driveway, concluding what may have been the longest half hour drive of his life, he new that the easiest part was over and that the hardest part was just beginning. He took one final deep breath and closed his eyes tightly as if, when he opened them he would wake from a terrible dream. He muttered a prayer under his breath and slowly begin to open his eyes. He cursed under his breath, exited the car and began to walk up the narrow blacktop driveway and into the realist nightmare he would ever know.

A World Between Two Suns part Deuce (The Second Sun)

I was a world between two suns
I was an olive between two stones
I am the boy you tried to hold
but in the meanwhile, did not taste

And such deceit begins to burn
as the growing wheels of irony turn
in the midst of this I came to learn
love is too sacred a thing to waste

You taught me things young men don't think
and showed me ships that never sank
in concrete my dreams began to seat
themselves, you were my source

How tragic then did that day become
when I had no choice but to choose that second sun.
and I realized that you were not my 'one'
and it was a thing I could not force

Now both suns had set and did fade away
at heart my muse, you'll always stay
we love each other in another way
hearts intertwined in stone.

And now I see the bright new sun
over the horizon it now does come
and with it rays that feel like love
and the brand new heat of hope

Growing Up

Listen as the wind blows through our metal box in the sky. It speaks of the past & reminds me of ball games with trees. How many did we misplace? "The pine cones have some company," we said, and we lifted the thought away. "Let's play! Let's play!" Other houses danced with us. What a league we were. A league of four we'd say. "I am Omar," I said, "and you can be Jim."

Listen again to the wind blowing, through our floating shell. It whispers, "It is now." Such a bitter truth. There are no trees where I am at, or pine cones for you. Only shirts with ties, and guns, and no one dances. For we are not Omar or Jim. We have our slave names, because that is what responsibility is.

How can I speak of a resolution I do not know? It is simply life's way. One day, we play ball with trees, and then the trees become buildings. And the ball become personal agenda. Then, there is no such thing as the greater good. For there is only greed, and shirts with ties, and guns with bullets. And our names are changed again, to power, lust, hate and vengeance.

This is growing up.

The Sound

Hey, hey.
What's that sound?

Is it the wind walking by my door.
or the ghost of the young lenore.
Is it the raven quoting "nevermore"
or is it just my imagination?

Hey, hey.
What's that sound?

Is it nature speaking mysteries.
Is it my memories getting the best of me.
Is it the world running beneath my feet.
or is it just my imagination.

Hey, hey. What's that sound?
Hey, hey. It comes around.
Hey, hey. It goes around.
Hey, hey. It is my home.

I feed you to the wolves. I litter you with blood.
I tangle you in waste. I wash you down with mud.
I've reaped but never sown. I have nothing to show.
I bury you in stones & yet I call you home

Radiant One

Eyes grow weak upon staring.
heart grows warm upon thought.
hands go numb upon touching.
mouth goes dry to the tongue

My feet do dance at your notice.
my mind does race when we meet.
my nose knows your smell like no other.
my ears most alert when you speak.

When you enter a room people whisper.
and a glow fills the room like a crowd.
and inside my world you are center.
no future, no past, only now.

So touch me, your touch like an angel.
speaking heavenly words in its art.
and I will go on as a mortal.
slowly working my way to your heart.

A World Between Two Suns

I am a world between two suns.
I am pulled. I am thrown,
off of my steady course, into an unknown orbit.
Stars fall into my path.
But none like the two suns.
None as bright or magnificent,
or hot.
I burn when I get too close.
But sulfur never smelled so sweet.
Never has pain been so pleasant or welcome.
I love to burn for them.

But what chaos this does cause!
I cannot commit to one orbit.
So therefor I have no path.
I drift.
This being so, what is my purpose?
The universe is unwell.
Unbalanced and amiss.
Never should a planet serve two suns.
Yet how do I choose?
Equal in beauty. Equal in stability and strength.
Equal, in heart.

But before I can choose, fate makes her move.
And she chooses for me.
I am content, I am pleased.
I know this is where I should be.
Everything in it's right place,
and her rays reach my skin.
Flinching, I am ready to burn.
Burn for you alone.
But I do not burn as I thought I would.
No, instead, I am consumed in a gentle warmth.
I am a world to one sun.
And my course regains it's balance once again.

The Seeker

I seek solace, peace and quiet
in such a loud and busy world
to be alone in the crowded room
to walk busy streets where noone knows me
to escape from demanding family and hand-biting friends
and just live precariously
if only for a day or two

and I seek wisdom, adventure, and knowledge
in such an irresponsible world
to do that which shouldn't be possible
to fly, to swim, to fall
to escape to a place with no limitations
and just live uninhibited
if only for a month or two

I seek to see beauty and magnificence
in such a polluted and diluted world
to see that which human hands cannot create
the land, the air, the sea
to see more of the earths splendor
and just live open-minded
if only for a year or so

I seek, maturity, humility, and understanding
in such a dumbed down world
to see the deeper meaning of death
and the even deeper meaning of life
to know there is something bigger than me
and live beyond myself
if only, for forever

Misery Finds No Company With Me

Don't you dare worry, today with tomorrow's.
We only have, a second to live.
And don't fill you heart, with dread and sorrow.
We only stand a second from death.

Walk out the door.
Welcome the day.
Welcome the Lord.
However you pray.
Leave tears for joy.
Let pain bear no stain.
While guilt is worn down.
So freedom can sing.

Don't you dare worry, the day with your troubles.
We only have a second to live.
And don't fill your mind with guilt and troubles.
We all were born sinners, yet God loves us best.

Don't live your life,
in a shell or encaged.
To your own imperfection,
do not become slave.
Instead take some peace,
in each day we're born.
Embrace life in present,
The past, do not mourn.

Sing hallelujah, for we have imperfections.
And yet we are loved, by the most perfect one.

Compilation of thoughts (Seattle)

I wanted to post up a blog tonight, so here are some bits of my journal that I created while on my first visit to Seattle. Keep in mind that not everything you are about to read is poetry or songs, some of it is just insights and revelations. Its usual my desire to leave things open to interpretation, but I decided I'd like to explain things for once.

People Watcher
I love to watch people, by myself
I love to watch people and not be jealous of their love
or my lack of a lover.
Instead, watching them makes me grateful...
that love even exists at all.

Ugly Fish
Ugly fish, ugly fish
How wonderful you are
If only we, could be as lucky as thee
made as unique as you are.

this was a bit of insight on the beauty in ugliness. I swear, at the first exhibit at the seattle aquarium, I saw the ugliest fish EVER! However, I realized, as I began to walk away that there is no such thing as ugly or beautiful. It is only a matter of perception and only the one who perceives that something is ugly, is the ugly one. Ugliness is an inner quality. This fish was not ugly, just a different kind of unique.

Revelation: The Individual Perception.
Humans, at the singular level, are all deep, intimate, artistic people. Or at least they can be. BUT, it is in large groups that our primitive nature rears its ugly head.

What this meant to me at this moment was that I was no more special than the next person just because I had the ability to express my artistic creativity. In reality, everyone posses the ability to be as creative as I can. What makes the ultimate difference is how we influence (and often hinder) each others creativity abilities. In groups, we have a different agenda than what we pursue on our own.

A Strange Waltz
Dance with someone you don't know
and learn their rhythm in 3/4 flow
and take it easy as you go
so much to learn, and much to know
All this can be learned in a single dance

So dance with someone you don't know
and learn their life-story in 3/4 flow
and take it easy as you go.
You can not rush the partner you choose
All this can be learned in a single dance.

The Low Tide (a prose of sorts)

I was the sand, she sculpted me.
The next tide destroyed me with ease.

For the castle her and I had built was not able to stand. Our foundation was never stable, and required constant repair which we were unable to keep up with. And the elements chipped away, bit my bit, piece my piece.

It was only a matter of time, though we put on such a good act. Everyone felt we had taken first place, and the creation we had formed, the impression of a sound structure, was impenetrable. But it did not take much to discover otherwise. It did not take long at all.

You had me fooled for the longest time. We had each other fooled. Into thinking this could last forever. We were never mature enough, we were never strong enough, we never cared enough. Look how we both got hurt. And when the next tide rolled in, you were distracted. You were lured in and rolled with it. You rode the next wave away from me.

But don't you know, every tide comes back to shore? Every one of them. Is he really an undertoe? Do you really believe he won't leave you drifting? Or drowning?

Forgive me if I hurt. Forgive me if every time I feel that him smack into me, by just the mention of his name, a little piece of me breaks off and is carried away. Forgive me if I have to run away before I am so broken away at, that there is nothing left of me to build upon.

But enough of the analogies... does that explain everything now? Is it clear now why I have been trying to stay away from you. Trying not to even be reminded of you. I NEVER imagined this day would come where you would finally commit to someone else. I mean, REALLY COMMIT. Im just in shock. And as much as I love you and trust you, even in the plutonic sense, Im just saner if I stay away. Im happier when I don't have to think about you. Just for now. Cuz I know we'll always be a part of each other. And Im learning how to be content with your decision. But Im not there yet. Give it time. Time heals all wounds, Im just trying to keep the wound clean so it can heal faster.

We'll always be part of each other, and I can't keep you out of my life forever. Just give me this little bit of time. Give me the chance to adapt. Let me learn to be content with watching you ride out to sea, and finding my place at home on the beach, as the sand beneath your feet.

White Elephants, Gray lines, Black houses

I cant feel you anymore
with this storm over me
I cant see you anymore
youre only a dead-thought memory

Im moving into the darkness
I'll hide myself there for now
I'll come out in a moment
if i can remember my way out

Resign. Sitting at a stop sign.
Undefined. I drew myself a thin line.
and never let you cross.
And not its my loss.
I dont know if i can ever take you back
Can you take me back?

I built walls to become mountains
I would never let you climb
I built rivers out of fountains
so you could never ask me why

So ask me why.

Ask me why.

Why?

My reasons are excuses
my biggest fear is the truth
Im too afraid that lies will keep me
but the truth will rid me of you

Taken

Little pieces

Of shattered hearts

Broken betrayal

Broken in parts

Couldn't stop,

What would never start.

Interrupt with touch,

And a false attempt at love.

Oh.

The dreams.

We dream.

Oh.

The things

We speak.

When we're alone.

To be brief

Time is short

And I'm awake

To help me see

What you've become

In my presence

Do you reach status,

To represent us?

Oh.

The dreams.

We dream.

Oh.

The things

We speak.

When we're alone.

Taken.

We all want to be

Taken

Anxious to awaken

In the morning

To see

Someone

Lying next to us.

Or will we wake up alone,

In a fight with ourselves

Over worth.